Should we let children win at board games (even though they suck)?

This Wednesday, May 15, 20 minutes gets down to children’s level with #20Minus. The editorial team has produced articles, interviews and videos that children and parents can read or watch together or separately. Obviously, we will address topics related to education, pocket money but also articles where we wonder about the city for children, other kid friendly places to go out, eat or fall asleep .

After the crisis to do your homework, the crisis to put on your cap, the crisis to eat soup, the crisis to brush your teeth, the crisis to go to bed, the crisis because your favorite item of clothing is dirty, the crisis because that the cat does not allow itself to be petted… (non-exhaustive list). Being around and raising children presents you with: crisis because you played a board game. Children are bad players, it’s well known. They don’t listen to the rules, change them to their advantage, cheat blatantly and can’t stand losing.

Faced with this bitter observation, and while the board game hobby has been booming for several years, parents find themselves very helpless. Most prefer to give up playing with their offspring before the age of maturity (which never arrives for some). For others, the dilemma is always the same: should we let the child win? Players, parents and childhood experts are divided on the issue.

Beginner’s Luck

Anaïs and Pierre, happy parents of two daughters, simply cannot play as a foursome. “The big one is 11 years old and stubbornly refuses to let her sister win. And the youngest, at 7 years old, spends the games whining that she has no luck or that everyone is cheating against her… Each game ends after 5 minutes in tears. » Another gaming couple told us of a similar experience. “The trick is to let the worst loser win, but discreetly. It’s not easy but with two adults, if we consult each other beforehand, it works. » So much effort… And the morality in all this?

“Sometimes, it is essential to let the child win,” explains Catherine Pinet Fernandes, sociologist. Children already have plenty of frustrations in life… But when that happens, it’s often because we’ve chosen the wrong game. The right choice of game allows us to play with pleasure. You have to find a support adapted to the child and the adult. For example a game with a good amount of chance and hazards, and perhaps 3% strategy. The game where we play on equal terms is a game where we have fun. »

Indeed, playing (and losing) also causes frustration in adults. So a game where everyone loses can solve the problem. “Lack of luck frustrates adults as well as children, it’s life, there will be another part… Chance does not devalue me in my feeling of competence, I am less affected by defeat, analyzes Catherine Pinet Fernandes. When the child has as much probability of winning as me, I can be all-in as an adult. »

Play socially

Because if the experts agree on one point, it is the benefit of playing with children to help them build themselves as future adults. “The point of the game is to learn to play with rules,” explains psychologist Carole Berlan. We work on choices and therefore on frustration. In some slightly more complex games, we have to postpone things, program, and not always be in the immediate situation. The game also allows you to work on social codes. Waiting for your turn to play, for example, is a good exercise for many children. We don’t play board games alone. »

“Learning to play is not innate, you have to adapt the games to children, and then make the strategies more complex with broader instructions. To get there, it takes time. But the lesson in the end is always the same: you don’t always win in life. »

Tiphaine, a lover of collectible card games and mother of three children, explains to us that she uses the game at very specific times: “When the children have finished their homework, the game appears to them as a moment of relaxation but also a moment when he deserves to win. I will then choose games where they can win against me. Other times, they just want to laugh, spend time together, and it doesn’t matter who wins. There I can propose a game which will be a bit of a challenge for them…”

Avoid avoidance

That’s all well and good, but, even if you take it slowly, how do you deal with the kid who overturns the game board and stamps his feet while screaming because he didn’t draw the card he wanted? Charlotte Docus, clinical psychologist, has a strong opinion on this subject: you have to stick to it. “If we let the child win or refuse to play with him, most of the time it is because we want to avoid emotion. However, in psychology, the avoidance of emotion is a bad thing. We do it to have peace of mind, but we don’t solve anything with this method. »

And there, we go a little beyond the strict framework of the game to enter that of behavioral therapy. Because if the game reveals that your colleague or your sister-in-law are cheaters and sore losers, they also highlight emotional deficiencies in the child. “My goal is that the child no longer has moments where he is pushed aside because of his emotions,” explains Charlotte Docus. Emotions are ok. Growing up means learning to manage them without causing social problems. I followed a patient who threw the entire game into his sister’s head at the slightest annoyance; he was incapable of finishing a gaming session. After our sessions, he was still a bad loser, but there was no longer any violence. »

Bad players or bad game?

Of course, we are not all clinical psychologists. However, there are strategies to play better with your children. “I advise parents to play as much as possible with their children, to strengthen the relationship,” argues Charlotte Docus. But the parent has to have fun too, we take an hour where we play several games. Because the game is still great! »

“ “I ate games of Dobble without interest. Then I moved on to classic games, then a whole bunch of games with Pokémon… But today, we’re having fun together. We have the same tastes and, for example, we play Andor and The Lost Ruins of Narak. It’s great. » »

“It often takes a little capacity for self-sacrifice on the part of the adult, but we must never forget the goal: to find pleasure,” explains Carole Berlan. There are some very basic little games where adults and children can find what they’re looking for. The Piou Piou, for example. Or a thousand portholes. The playful interest of these games is low for adults but we laugh while playing them, and that’s already a lot. »

Find the right game

Most gaming connoisseurs will tell you that there is a host of board games that welcome sore losers to the table: cooperative games. We all play and win (or lose) together. These games are very popular and recently there are some particularly great ones. To name just one, let’s say Dorfromantik, won numerous awards. it’s about building a landscape together, with tiles, and increasingly devious objectives. But there are dozens of others.

“Parents are often not experts in board games,” explains Catherine Pinet Fernandez. To have the right, well-suited game, you need to have a game library at home that goes beyond the Uno and Monopoly. Even though children love to play Monopolybut for an indirect reason… As it is a long game, unconsciously they know that they have “stuck” the adult with them for a significant amount of time…”

For pleasure

“We often talk about the benefits of board games for children, but they never forget the first of them: pleasure,” continues the sociologist. When a game is used by a psychologist or for educational purposes, it is no longer a game, it is a tool… For the game to support the child in growing well, it must be for the pleasure. »

Our file #20Minus

And besides, it is not certain that adults always have to ask themselves the question of letting the child win, Carole Berlan firmly believes: “There are also games where children beat us! Those based on visual discrimination, fine motor skills, memory… I wonder if the children are secretly tempted to let us win too…”