Dating apps: how to make good use of them

Dating can bring new challenges and can sometimes be a source of frustration. In the past, relationships were often arranged by families and guided by societal norms, which limited options but spared us the agony of having to make choices. Today, singles have an infinite number of potential partners at their disposal. A 2019 study by the Pew Research Center showed that couples who met online are more diverse, whether in terms of income, education, political orientation or ethnicity.

The cost of freedom

According to psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, freedom can sometimes give rise to a feeling of helplessness, even isolation. Our team of marketing researchers explores the world of online dating to determine the extent to which the dating market, which is based on principles of infinite freedom and choice, extends to all aspects of human life. Our research reveals that users’ feelings of anxiety and frustration arise from a conflict between the perception of the commodification of relationships and societal values.

(More than 85,000 readers trust The Conversation newsletters to better understand the world’s major issues. Subscribe today)

Some study participants described online dating as “exhausting,” expressing hope that they could “finally” complete the process. Didier, a 51-year-old engineer living in Paris, describes online dating as “mass manipulation”; Ella, a 25-year-old editor, says that at first online dating was “exciting and new”, but over time she found the experience depressing.

So why, when faced with promises of unlimited romantic options, do we sometimes feel like love tends to slip away?

“Liquid” modernity and the rise of emotional capitalism

In his book Liquid love, British sociologist Zygmunt Bauman argues that the modern world has ushered in the era of the “unattached individual,” which values ​​freedom and flexibility over attachment. This has transformed traditional notions of love and relationships into more ephemeral and “liquid” forms.

French-Israeli sociologist Eva Illouz echoes these observations, arguing that our capitalist societies today face new challenges due to changing norms and values. Certainly, we now have greater control over our love lives and we can aspire to greater equality between the sexes. But social injunctions continue to convey unrealistic standards for love, which do not encourage investing in the emotional work necessary to establish deeper connections.

Misaligned values

In online dating, what happens when two people’s values ​​or expectations for romantic relationships are not the same? As our study shows, these discrepancies can be a source of frustration. For example, one participant may be looking for a long-term relationship, while another is more interested in casual relationships or broadening their horizons. Both then perceive the other’s actions as inappropriate.

Mark, a 26-year-old management consultant, shares his feelings of frustration when women he met on an app wanted to connect with him on social media or call him frequently because he preferred to set boundaries. In contrast, Alice, a 54-year-old administrator, says some of the men she met online were often unclear about their marital status. She even developed techniques to tell if a potential partner was in a relationship, such as if they hung up the phone very quickly or always paid in cash.

It even happens that these contradictory desires pass through one and the same person: he or she may yearn for commitment, trust and closeness, while being unwilling or unable to give up the unlimited choice of partners. Derek, a 38-year-old entrepreneur, reflected on the gap between his relationship expectations and his experience with online dating:

“For me, long-term relationships are about values ​​– human values. But if I have a date and the next morning, with a new profile, I’m like, “Oh, great,” and the person I saw last night ends up at the bottom of the list. »

This disconnect can lead to negative experiences, mistreatment, and even online abuse. Rose, a 23-year-old lecturer, says dating scares her because of the “horrible stories” she has heard. Indeed, the accounts of other study participants (whose names we have chosen to withhold) report experiences ranging from distress to trauma, including verbal attacks, encounters with people who do not resemble at all to their photo, and even a sexual assault committed by a person using a fake profile.

Gamification of dating

The deinstitutionalized social setting of online dating can lead to situations where there are sometimes few or no social connections shared between partners. People met online are perceived as less “real” than those met through friends or family. This distorted report of reality can make behaviors less predictable, because there are no specific sanctions for what would normally be considered unethical behavior.

While many study participants appreciate the choice that dating apps offer, some are hesitant to say they use them – or claim they only use them exceptionally. The fear of social judgment is still very present: some people tell themselves that if they find a partner in this way, the members of their social circle will say that it is a failure, because they have not failed to find a partner in “real life” through traditional means.

Uncertainty arises when we are unsure of the current codes and outcomes of our social interactions. This can happen when the framework in which the interaction takes place is not well defined. As the terms of the relationship are not clarified, both parties feel vulnerable and prefer not to open up too much to avoid potentially being hurt. Communication codes are also often unclear, leading to multiple discussions in online communities, where users ask for advice to explain their partners’ behaviors.

Some survival strategies

• Choose authenticity.

If you use a dating app, consider a bold strategy: authenticity. Self-promotion is good, it’s even necessary, but so are conviction, realism and honesty. This way, you can try to meet partners who see you as the person you are and not the person you project. Choose flattering photos and highlight your character traits, but also show your beliefs and your true personality.

• Use the app’s functions to narrow down your choice

When looking for a relationship online, it’s important to make the most of the resources available, so you don’t miss out on potential connections. Consider using filters and search tools to narrow your search for compatible partners. Specify your preferences, such as age, location and common interests, to increase your chances of finding a serious relationship.

• Appreciate the little things

It is essential to adapt your approach and redefine what is valuable in this unique context. Instead of judging success by just one metric, consider redefining it to include other aspects – for example, meaningful conversations or shared interests. This flexibility will allow you to recalibrate your expectations and discover the value of your app experience, even if it doesn’t match your original goals. Love is built on shared emotions.

• Speak, but also listen

Don’t be afraid to discuss your expectations with potential partners. Most importantly, when someone says they’re not looking for a serious relationship, believe them, rather than trying to change them or hoping they’ll change their decision. Show him that you are listening and that you are not just giving preconceived ideas.

• Keep exploring, but know when to stop

Finally, don’t give up. As online dating becomes more widely accepted, more and more people are finding real relationships online. Despite all the obstacles, more than 12% of marriages begin online, according to a study by the Pew Research Center. Think of dating apps not as a never-ending search, but as a means to an end – and potentially a happy ending.